Kook Watch

New Location: KookWatch.net

2005-07-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

This site has now moved to:

KookWatch.net

Xemu from Coltus v. Gozer the Gozerian

2005-07-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

Hollywood's a bitch. It turns it's tricks and spends the bills at Melrose shoe hutches. Until it's pimp rolls in to smack ass and break wills. That pimp is L. Ron Hubbard. A bit stinkier after death, but still dropping Scientological beatdowns.

Damn, that metaphor sucked. Who said kookologists could pen pulp whore text, anyway?

Let's stick to serious science. Like comparing Scientology to the plot of Ghostbusters.

Categories	Ghostbusters	Scientology	Winner
Principal Villain	Gozer the Gozerian - a Sumerian God re-summoned to a temple in NYC to reign terror on humanity.	Xemu from the Planet Coltus - a galactic dictator that, 75 million years ago, transferred the spirts(Thetans) of 178 billion beings to Earth, then called "Teegeeack." Psychiatrists helped by tricking Thetans into thinking tax inspections were taking place. Xemu then nuked the Thetans over volcanos. They are now attached to our bodies along with delusions called R6 implanted with them.	Scientology (even Louis Farrakhan would say 'niggah please')
Most Ridiculous Dialogue	"Gozer the Traveller will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveller came as a very large and moving Torb. Then of course in the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him, that of a Sloar. Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day I can tell you." (Louis--Rick Moranis)	"..the Fourth Invader Force was here. The Fifth Invader Force came in to use this area, and the name of this solar system is Space Station 33. They started to use this area without suspecting that the Fourth Invader Force had been there for God knows how many skillion years, had been sitting down, and they have their installations up on Mars, and they have a tremendous, screened operation. The Martian operation is a fascinating operation, simply because it has gone into 100 percent holding force. And it does everything it does with tremendous coversion. It's sitting behind a defense screen of enormous size, and nobody - it's practically impossible to penetrate that, except as a thetan. And if you penetrate it as a thetan, you go through the Martian screen, and they got you!"(L Ron Hubbard 1952)click here for audio of Hubbard	Scientology (there are a thousand more exactly like that, like this one)
Fictional Whacky Appeal to Audience	A ragtag group of paranormal scientists scamming colleges finally gets lucky enough to face down real ghosts threatening NYC	Airheads pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to undergo 'auditing' by a Radioshack 101in1 electronics kit dubbed an 'e-meter' to rid themselves of R6 delusions in 'body thetans'	Scientology
Silly But Intelligent Entertainment Move	Shooting a Ghostbusters television ad which adopts the slogan "We're Ready To Believe You"	Adopting an official policy expressly directing that the "rehabilitation of celebrities who are just beyond or just approaching their prime" enables the "rapid dissemination" of Scientology. (1976 Policy Letter)	Scientology (preying on washed up celeb stupidity was genius)
Acting Talent	Bill Murray, Dan Akyroid, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver	Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman	GBusters
Putrid Comic Relief	Fat green ghost gorging on hot dogs	Kirstie Alley	Scientology
Revenue	Worldwide Total $291 million	Over $300 million every year even back in 1993	Scientology (landslide)
Dreamed Up By	Harold Ramis, one of the greatest comedy writers of all time	L Ron Hubbard, one of the greatest comedy writers of all time.	Push
Writing Inspirations	Akyroid & Ramis wanted a film vehicle for SNL cohorts Akyroid and Belushi	Failed pulp fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard reportedly concluded to friends in the 1940s that 'Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars the best way to do it would be to start his own religion.' He then published some of the religion's backstory in a 1949 science fiction magazine.	Scientology

Scientology's leaders are a rare breed of kook. They are fully aware of their disconnected zaniness. Apparently, they refused to even own up to the entire Xemu from Coltus 178 billion thetan volcano nuking deal until a court case required production of the documents in the 1980s.

Page 1 in Hubbard's handwriting of Operating
Thetan III Document

L. Ron Hubbard might even rightfully be a Kookology founding father. Perhaps his mastery of it let him invent the perfect cult to swipe kooks' every dime? He made a mint, and is not wasting time writing some gay blog.

Holy crap, L. Ron Hubbard is virtually dunking on my ass from the grave.

Moving on, three words: Cruise versus Lauer?

Two perfectly quaffed men. Both intense about their beliefs. Both knowing electricity to be tiny worker gnomes running through cables made of refrigerator magnet stuff or something.

Kookologically speaking, it gets no better than a high school dropout intensely debating pharmaceutical studies with a "telecommunications degree" dropout on national TV. Especially when its based on a hatred of psychiatrists because they tricked Thetans into thinking they were going to tax collectors before they were nuked on Teegeeack.

At one point, a debate actually arose about whether Cruise used the scientific term "googley-gook." Then came this Operating Thetan VII versus airhead proffessorial exchange:

TOM CRUISE: Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?

MATT LAUER: You're-- you're-- it's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And-- and you know the subject.

At this point, the planet -- including even Gary the Retard from the Howard Stern show -- was fighting to keep its diaphram from ripping with laughter.

Scientology's anti-psychiatry bent comes from L. Ron Hubbard's obsession to, in his words, "run [the psychiatrist's] organisations, perform his functions and obtain his financing and appropriations."

Note that Hubbard also claimed that "we know more about psychiatry than psychiatrists. We can brainwash faster than the Russians (20 secs to total amnesia against three years to slightly confused loyalty)."

Hubbard also lectures about the well-established brainwashing used in the Maw Confederation of the Sixty-third Galaxy:

"But now, if you really want to make one worse, I'm afraid that you have to go in for mechanical assists. I think you do. I think it takes a mechanical assist like a fist, or it takes... Well, I'll tell you the best one I know; how's that? The best one I know is to take a sheet of glass and put it in front of the preclear -- clear, very clear glass -- which is supercooled, preferably about a -100 centigrade. You got that? Supercooled, you know? And then put the preclear right in front of this supercooled sheet of glass and suddenly shove his face into the glass. Now, that's pretty good. I mean, that was developed about five billion years ago by a whole-track psychiatrist. ...

"The mechanism of brainwashing which I gave you, with supercold mechanisms and so forth, is very well known, was used very extensively in the Maw Confederation of the Sixty-third Galaxy. They had a total psychiatric control of all of their officers and executives, and when they got tired of them they used this specific method of brainwashing."

It was, of course, kookologically impossible for Scientologists to stay away from the 9-11 Kookological Event. It appears Scientologists almost immediately descended on 9-11 victims, pushing away psychiatrists:

Intercepted Scientology email:
Additionally we are trying to move in and knock the psychs out of counseling to the grieving families and that could take another 100 plus people right now. Due to some brilliant maneuvering by some simply genius Sea Org Members we tied up the majority of the psychs who were attempting to get to families yesterday in Q&A, bullbait and wrangling.

They even duped Fox News into running their 800-For-Truth phone number promoting Dianetics under the guise that it was for "National Mental Health":

Oliver Stone, Nikola Tesla and the 9-11 Hijackers

2005-07-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

Recent cinematic study indicates that mankind's most important advances are:
(1) the invention of agriculture;
(2) the invention of the wheel;
(3) the invention of college project-like films decrying murderous conspiracies.

Central to (3) is Oliver Stone's steely "its not a comedy!" glare.

Scientifically, the probability of Oliver Stone making a 9-11 film positively correlates with passage of time:

Source: "Kookological Coefficients of Subject Oliver Stone Post 9-11 KE", International Journal of Kookological Science, Vol. 405, 103 (2005).

It also negatively correlates with the revenue Stone receives from "JFK" film rights. That inevitably decreases over time.

Source: Id.

Thus, as the forces of nature and monthly mansion payments dictate, a 9-11 film now must be made.

At a conference about cinema's messages shortly after 9-11, Stone launched into a rant about six "principal prince" companies that actually control the planet covertly (hat tip Mickey Kaus):

From the start of the discussion, Stone, the writer-director of such political films as "Salvador" and "JFK," had seemed jumpy, swivelling his thick neck like a turret gun at the sound of any foolishness or naïveté. Now his voice rumbled up from his chest and he began to illuminate the dark levers that move the film industry and, by extension, the world. "There's been conglomeration under six principal princes—they're kings, they're barons!—and these six companies have control of the world."

These included "Fox and AOL Time Warner." Neither of which made even the top 50 of the Forbes Global 2000. Let alone rule the planet through the iron fist of Ryan Seacrest.

Facts of this sort should never interrupt rants. They may suppress spittle volume and googlyeyedosity, disrupting measurements of those characteristics.

Stone then connected the dots between these six "principal princes" and the 9-11 hijackers, apparently in some sort of "revolt":

His voice grew louder as his ideas took shape. "Michael Eisner decides, 'I can't make a movie about Martin Luther King, Jr.—they'll be rioting at the gates of Disneyland!' That's bullshit! But that's what the new world order is." There was a storm of applause. "They control culture, they control ideas. And I think the revolt of September 11th was about 'Fuck you! Fuck your order—" '

This demonstrates why kooks should reside undisturbed within their natural habitat, the standard Hollywood film conference.

Without the "storm of applause" from fellow audience members, would Stone have revealed his 9-11 hijacker corporate connection? Who am I kidding, of fucking course he would. But maybe less bluntly.

Stone ranted against a telecommunications bill, concluding from orbit that "the arabs have a point!"

"Excuse me," a fellow-panelist, Christopher Hitchens, said. " 'Revolt'?"

"Whatever you want to call it," Stone said.

"It was state-supported mass murder, using civilians as missiles," said Hitchens, a columnist for Vanity Fair and The Nation.

Stone wagged his head and continued. "The studios bought television stations," he said. "Why? Why did the telecommunications bill get passed at midnight, a hidden bill at midnight? The Arabs have a point!"

Teddy Roosevelt was next invoked, in an odd call to divest TV stations to "give them back to the people!"

We need a trustbuster like Teddy Roosevelt to take the television stations away from the film companies and give them back to the people!" There was more applause, and a few uncertain murmurs.

In a "but these go to 11" moment, Stone then warned to look out for the "thirteenth month":

"Does anybody make a connection between the 2000 election"—for the Presidency—"and the events of September 11th?" he asked, and added cryptically, "Look for the thirteenth month!"

Stone then equated reactions of the French and Russians after their monarchies were ejected with those of people 5,600 miles away from a three plane attack on a tiny portion of U.S. office building space:

He went on to say that the Palestinians who danced at the news of the attack were reacting just as people had responded after the revolutions in France and Russia.

Afterward, the panelists had lunch nearby, at Gabriel's. Hitchens stood outside, holding a glass of Scotch and a trembling cigarette. He was about to leave for Pakistan. "To say that this attack in any way resembles the French Revolution means you are a moral idiot, as well as an intellectual idiot," he said of Stone. "The man has completely lost it."

Baked on a wicked kookatonin buzz, Stone continued well after the mike was turned off:

Inside the restaurant, Stone made his way, grinning, through the crowd. He plunged his hands into the hair of a young female producer and tugged, asking, "Is this real?" Although it seemed to most observers to be early afternoon, he twice observed that it was a wonderful night.

Then came connections between chaos, energy, Nikola Tesla, the World Bank and a Writers Guild strike:

"The new world order is about order and control," he said. "This attack was pure chaos, and chaos is energy. All great changes have come from people or events that were initially misunderstood, and seemed frightening, like madmen. Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Gates. I think, I think . . . I think many things." He explained how the World Bank, McDonald's, and the studios' response to the threat of a Writers Guild strike last year were all manifestations of the new global conspiracy of order.

Finally, Stone described his film about octogenarians in the modern CIA and FBI being "drunks from World War II":

"My movie would have the C.I.A. guys and the F.B.I. guys, but they blow it. They're a bunch of drunks from World War II who haven't recovered from the disasters of the sixties—the Kennedy assassination and Vietnam. My movie would show the new heroes of security, the people who really get the job done, who know where the secrets are."

9-11 Was Actually a U.S. PsyOp

2005-07-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

9-11 possesses high kookodynamical properties. It's batty theories spread like crabs on Kidd Rock's tourbus.

Oddly, its caused by the extensive evidence. Things that can be drooled upon and later played backwards, like Stairway to Heaven, amplify the kooktacular.

Reopen911.org is a part of a massive network of such organizations. Each firmly believing that secret explosives caused the towers to fall. I mean, check out these gnarly steel beams!

It will please you comedically that this is actually the most well-grounded position among the 9-11 kookological sub-branch.

For example, it is also "crystal clear for those who know what they are looking at that the buildings were ultimately brought down by nuclear explosions."

Apparently, comic writer "Hunter Thompson [was] Killed over explosives evidence."

Alex Jones, a true Kookosaurus Rex of the discipline, has actually broken down the likely locations for the secret explosives:

A virtual epicenter of kooktoplasmic energy is Indymedia.org. It reports that (obviously) explosions caused the twin towers and WTC 6 & 7 to collapse, including an extremely long "analysis." Central to its conclusion is the scientific fact that "Some pieces of the perimeter wall were thrown laterally 500 feet. FIVE HUNDRED FEET! Hello people, that means it EXPLODED!" "A mushroom cloud is a dead giveaway of a demolition." "The Towers' concrete was pulverized....in MID-AIR!--Impossible! " As a bonus to the discipline, indymedia.org also informs us that the reported cell phone calls from airplane victims were fake, the video of Osama Bin Laden discussing planning was fake, and that the evidence of "mega-banking frauds" contained within the towers "deals a fatal blow to the credibility of the 'official version' of 9/11."

The breadth of kookdom in this branch of study is baffling. There are literally hundreds of these sites. Hundreds just citing Reopen911.org. Lest you think Reopen911.org is unviewed kookery, it's published in seven different languages and sells a DVD on the topic.

A true boon to the kookological community is that much of the Reopen911 DVD is actually viewable online. Break out Quicktime and put down the drink unless you plan on nasalspaying your monitor:

Here, Webster Tarpley answers a question about how "the neoconservatives" were connnected with 9-11. His brain chip was activated by the Kookagon a few sentences in. He refers to "neocon fascist madmen" part of a "shadow government," and the "fake 9-11 Commission." He also postulates that the U.S. is going to war with Russia, citing a widespread belief that the U.S. and Britain were part of the Beslan school massacre.

Here, after a question about the Clinton Administration's role in 9-11, Tarpley is reactivated, lecturing of an "emergence of the oligarchical consensus." And the entire U.S. "ruling class" sees terrorism as way to solidify world opinion against various enemies. All of our politics are based on a "monstrous myth." Whatever President sits in power is a "puppet" of the ruling class. Clinton is simply a plausible face and "figurehead."

Later in that clip, in his natural habitat of an internet 9-11 conference, a t-shirted kook (Go Brooklyn Tech!) in wide-eyed yelling mannerisms common to the breed rants about being denied access to the subway and areas underneath the towers. A member of the panel then addressed the interrogakooktory, informing him that the collapse theory is bogus because the North tower "fell faster than the speed of gravity. That's simply not possible."

Later in that clip again, another wide eyed finger-pointing screaming kook of the t-shirted sub-variety, questioned the panel about an Alex Jones(yes!) radio interview. Therein, a supposed "former secret service agent" claimed that the government knew years before that "martial law would be instituted November 1", 2001. A catastrophe was required to accept it. Fortunately for kookolgists, Webster Tarpley fielded the query. Tarpley explains that he wrote a paper called "Rogue Bush Backers Plan Super 9-11 False Terror Attacks." He claims that Bush, Richard Clarke, Ted Koppel and the "controlled media" are in cahoots and that there will be another round of terrrorism -- this time atomic, bacteriological or chemical -- to keep Iran from getting nukes. "Will we let Wolfowitz have a coup to set up a neofascist dictatorship in the United States?" Kookocentric figure Ed Begley, Jr. then thanks Tarpley.

Here's a section about how the tower collapse was actually caused by a "controlled demolition" of placed explosives. Then the evidence was "scrubbed" during cleanup. It includes the MCing work of Ed Begley, Jr.

Here is a section with a "Canadian journalist" at a fake TV news desk who citing golfer Payne Stewart's 1996 plane crash as proof that the military permitted the 9-11 planes to strike. He also informs us that the odds the 9-11 Commission wasn't lying are 54 million to 1. Oh yeah, and Vice President Dick Cheney somehow planned military exercises that day to confuse the Air Force.

Nearly all roads of the kookographical empire lead to The Power Hour, with Dave VonKleist. There or Alex Jones. Here, VonKleist screams about being called a conspiracy theorist. And then proclaims that there is not one piece of evidence linking Osama Bin Laden with 9-11, and this coverup is part of a government conspiracy.

This part claims that there were no hijackers at all in any 9-11 crimes, and tries to get people to sue for environmental damage from the tower collapses.

Here Christopher Scheer, a reporter from kookoligical habitat AlterNet, calls for a re-opening of 9-11 investigation because the 9-11 commission wasn't enough.

Here, what looks like the Church Lady tells us that he knew the towers were brought down by explosives, not airplanes, when he saw a video by Eric Hufschmidt. He urges us to watch his video to "see, as they say in the Matrix, how deep the rabbit hole goes. I really do feel like I took the red pill."

Here, Psy Ops News tells us that it was a controlled detonation. "You are witnessing a cathartic and intense psychological operation. It is designed to alter your perceptions and hence your politics. It's a classic PsyOp. Its a made-for-TV movie with all the cliché blockbuster elements."

Similarly, septemberelevnth.org, which believes that at least one of the hijackers is still alive, possesses "action groups" in over 10 cities, and contacts in many others.

The Sierra Times corrects prior reports by informing us that there were actually "no arabs on flight 77". Note that you should inform your neighborhood government assassin watch committee that the Sierra Times reports "It is very hard to keep a secret of this gravity. One possible way to cut down chatter is to eliminate as many witnesses as possible, preferably during the crime itself."

This could go on for thousands of pages. Its kookographical mapping will take extensive work.

Inaugural Post

2005-07-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

Since the dawn of time, man has contemplated mastering the gravitas of elk fucking and the Xenu from Planet Coltus cold remedy. That much is clear.

Kooks obviously abound. Less clear are important explorations to the questions: what are their beliefs and how can we acquire their pictures to photoshop them?

Kookolgists devote entire careers to such queries. With the innocent rigor of a young lad exorsizing the devil from credit cards, they will march forward observing the volume of spittle and width of googley eyes before them, memorializing them in yet another incredibly important blog.